|
We had sated ourselves at the Brown Derby just before the
show. It was truly one of the most memorable dining experiences of my life. The company
and food were truly outstanding. Please visit Johnny's Martini
page for his review. We sauntered to the theatre, pausing only to gaze at the gaudy
merchandise outside the entrance, and then escorted (and I use that word loosely - it was
more like "you guys are sitting here.") to our seats. One could not help but
notice the scrambled egg yellow, linoleum floor, along with the kitchen ready, hard backed
red chairs. The theatre was appointed with such lovely decorations as stars and crescent
moons, all seemingly made out of aluminum foil, and stapled to the wall. I don't know,
maybe they were part of some fourth grade arts & crafts project. As the rest of the
crowd monotonously and unemotionally filed in, I came to the realization that the
"Old Vegas" was dead and buried. I know for years that Las Vegas has slowly
become one of the "Malls of America", but I thought at least some of
Mr. and Mrs. America would dress up. Nope. It was just us. Four guys in their early to
mid-thirties sitting in suits. I halfway expected to see someone in an "I'm With
Stupid" tee-shirt. Drinks were in order, and (eventually) delivered. I would need the
juniper juice to help get me through this.
The crowd continued to file in "en masse". There were far too many people who
knew far too much about Wayne Newton. Weird stuff. Arcane stuff. Scary stuff. Did you know
that Wayne Newton's big break was not on the Lucy show? I sure as hell thought it
was. It was actually on the "Jackie Gleason Show" in the early 60's. You know,
the show that "Jackie did from Miami". I didn't know that. But the stalker guy
in front of me sure did. He also knew all the Wayne trivia - where he was born, his
birthday, the names of his horses, etc. I rapidly drained my gin & tonic, and quickly
ordered a second. I strapped on the seat belt, it was going to be a long ride.
At promptly 9:00pm (hmmm...the Slugs could seemingly learn a lesson from
that...promptness), the P.A. announcer began his spiel. I was seeing an honest-to-God,
big-time, Las Vegas show. Wayne traipsed down the stairs, to what I thought was a somewhat
lethargic greeting. He was nattily attired in a tuxedo (which I'm sure set him back about
two grand), and shiny black patent leather boots (with about a 3-inch heel). His hair was
coifed with about a gallon of Aqua-Net, and I'm going to hazard a guess here, some
"Just For Men" hair coloring. It was show time. It was fast tempo, bright
lights, and high energy. Too bad the crowd didn't think so. After the first number, it was
tepid applause at best. But that didn't phase Wayne at all. He was instantly, and I mean
instantly, into the Vegas patter. "What a great crowd this is. I'm going to keep you
here all night." Hats off to Wayne, he sure knows how to sell a crowd.
A quick side note on Wayne's speech patterns. Wayne's voice, as we all know, is rather
high-pitched. But it has this sort of weird, Carol Channing, Beatles 'h' quality. What's
the Beatles 'h', you ask? Listen to an early Beatles record. Something like "I Want
to Hold Your Hand". Particularly the line '...when I say that something'. It sounds
out like '...when I shay that shomething'. That's the Beatles 'h'. And
Wayne has it.
I don't recall a lot of the songs that Wayne did that night. I mean, I recognized the
hits. I'll confess, I don't have a deep catalog of Wayne Newton in my collection. But I do
remember moments. After all, who
remembers a Fellini movie? Isn't it just the moments and the images you remember? Like
after the fourth song, there was the obligatory undoing of the bow tie routine. I swear,
one of these days I'm going to wear a bow tie on stage at a Slugs show, just so I can undo
it, and let it drape around my neck. The whole night was just like that - moments. Please
allow me...
Moment 1: After a couple of songs, Wayne found out that their was a
couple celebrating their wedding anniversary. He bought them a bottle of champagne. As he
remarked on stage "This must be the first recorded instance of a red man giving hooch
to a white man. It's usually vice-versa." Always a nice touch to make fun of Indians
and alcoholism. Maybe he can mock rampant unemployment and drug use too! It was also nice
to hear a hearty guffaw from the audience. But it's okay, cause he's part Indian.
Moment 2: The drug references. "You know, I have my sound and
light guys up in the booth up there. I wonder what they do up there?" Various
inhaling and snorting sounds ensue from Wayne. Wayne starts to speak. Lights and sound go
dead. Mom and Pop chuckle heartily. They watch Jay Leno. They know what those sounds mean.
Lenny Bruce does 360's in his grave.
Moment 3: During another interminable medley, you know, the ones
where everyone claps at the beginning of the song, and the star says "thank
you"? Well, Wayne was in the midst of one of these medleys, when he segued ever so
gently from one song to another. There was only me and one other person clapping.
Wayne gave us the "thank you". And I was making fun of him. Was he being
grateful or condescending? He probably doesn't even know. The sound of applause must be
like water off a ducks back to him. He opens the door to the refrigerator, the light goes
on. and he does 10 minutes. Don't thank me, Wayne - thank you!
Moment 4: "You know, just before I came on stage tonight,
someone asked me how many albums I've recorded. Well, I was at home, and I counted them
up. It turns out I've recorded 139 albums. You know what I did. I sat at home and listened
to all of them. And then what I did was pick out the best songs from those albums. And
I've compiled all my favorites onto a six CD box set that's available out front. Make sure
you stop buy after the show and pick one up." You shill! Hey, I've tried to pitch a
copy or two of a Slugs album from stage, but never under the guise of "...someone
asked me..." C'mon Wayne, you're making a hundred grand a week. Do you really need to
whore yourself like that?
Moment 5: The laser show. Great laser show. Except that the laser
show was projected onto the back wall of the theatre. 600 people craning their necks
backwards. Maybe your lighting guy is smoking pot in the light booth.
Moment 6: Another medley. This time Wayne was riffing about love. I
can't remember exactly what he said verbatim, but it was something along the lines of
"...as we get older...and we remember the things we should have said...said when we
were younger...but we can't say them now...because we're older...and the days have gone
by...and we look back...to when we were younger...so long ago...and as we get
older..." Well, you get the gist. Johnny and I looked at one another, with our mouths
nothing short of agape. It was the ultimate "Huh?"
Moment 7: Someone threw a request written on a coaster onto the
stage (sounds like a Slugs show, although Wayne did not do the obligatory shot of
Jagermeister). Wayne announced he was going to do the song. It was a song from a country
album he recorded in 1968 with the London Philharmonic Symphony Orchestra (?). He said the
band had never played the song. Never. Yet somehow, halfway through the first verse (Wayne
was playing guitar at this point - he sure plays a mean 'E' chord), the strings, horns,
guitars, drums, bass, and backing vocalists joined in. Maybe they'd all bought the box
set, and did some learning on their own.
Moment 8: "You know, someone asked me why I got rid of my
mustache. Well, let me tell you..." Wayne then proceeded to tell a story of how he
found his wife at home in the bath tub. He dove into the tub, only to realize that she had
Nair all over her legs. Ooops! That must be some crazy household. And who said romance was
dead. Maybe by the millennium he'll work some Viagra jokes into the act. My sides still
hurt.
Moment 9: This was probably my favorite moment. At one point he was
talking about the "great Lucille Ball", and his appearances on her show. On one
of his first guest shots, he played a farm boy. I noticed a guy behind me who started
repeating, almost mantra-like "Bessie the Heifer, Bessie the Heifer." Okay.
Wayne said he would like to do a song that he first did on that show. You guessed
it..."Bessie the Heifer". Stalker number two let out this almost orgasmic whoop.
Time for drink number three. And four.
And I could go on. I didn't even scratch the surface. His interplay with the band, his
microphone cord roadie, the jokes about his jet. I will say this, for two hours he works
his little cotton socks off. He definitely
does not cheat you out of your entertainment dollar. If you're ever in Vegas, I would
highly recommend the show. To borrow a page from Johnny's martini page, I would give Wayne
the highest rating - 5 martini glasses. Trust me, you'll need them all.
|
|
